Protected sex – Adult toy firm releases insurance for vibrators

This risque little piece didn’t get any pick-up, so I thought I’d bung it on here.

A sex toy manufacturer now offers insurance for broken and STOLEN vibrators.

Womanizer, working with tech insurer hepster, offers an annual policy for its premium adult toys for £17.

The idea was born when a hepster employee had her sex toys swiped on holiday.

Hepster co-founder Hanna Bachmann said: “The idea for sex toy insurance came to us when one of our colleagues told us about the unfortunate end to her surfing vacation.

“On the last evening of her trip, she and her friends were celebrating with another group of girls in her hotel room.

The Womanizer

The Womanizer

“Once everybody had left, she realized someone had stolen her Womanizer. At first this made us all laugh, but after looking closer, we saw an obvious problem had been revealed.

“Even when the Womanizer is covered by the warranty against damages, a protection against unforeseen issues like theft is missing.

“The loss of an item can hurt a lot, especially with sex toys, which often sit in a mid to high price range.

“So, with that came the idea of the first insurance for sex toys in the world.”

The policy works like mobile phone insurance to protect against damage, destruction and theft – including improper handling like the use of the wrong lubricant.

The scheme is being released in Germany as a trial before a global release.

“We often have customers write to us, whose Womanizers have met an unfortunate end through external, often bizarre, incidents—for example, chewed up by a dog," added Johanna Rief, head of communications at Womanizer.

"All of these cases were not covered by the warranty. We had already been considering the integration of insurance-based protections.

“When hepster got in contact with us, we were enthusiastic about the idea and the chance to work together. That was the birth of our sex toy insurance.”

Claim to please

Victoria, 29, wrote in a testimonial:

“My dog Rambo lived with me for several years before the Womanizer moved in.

Rambo is my best friend and the most faithful and reliable companion I have ever had in my life, but he has a quirk - he hates sex sounds.

“Every time it gets louder, he yells, howls, barks, and chews my shoes.

“Rambo had to go down the hall. He raged there a few times, but eventually accepted his fate. So far so good.

“But one evening I was looking for my Womanizer and I was absolutely sure that I had left it on my dresser.

“When I vacuumed the apartment the next day and moved Rambo's basket, I found my Womanizer, littered with bite marks.

“So Rambo got his way in the end. At least for a short time.”

Long overdue update

Lord I’ve been crap on this blog past few months. On the upside it’s because I’ve been very busy, so DON’T JUDGE ME! YOU DON’T KNOW ME! clicks fingers.

I’ve started regular shifts at Retail Week and am contributing to Coinrivet, a news website for the fascinating and deeply confusing world of cryptocurrency.

Also been doing a lot of work for Fox News in the US, mainly tech stuff.

I’ve been a freelancer for a year this month, and am delighted I made the change. It’s been a hard year but I feel like I’ve finally got my feet under me. Onwards and upwards.

Click on headlines for links:

Coinrivet, October 17

Coinrivet, October 17

Fox News, September 10

Fox News, September 10

Fox News, October 10

Fox News, October 10

Mail Online, November 13

Mail Online, November 13

Idiot punches kangaroo

A Turkish televangelist who is believed to be conning cancer sufferers out of cash was filmed punching a kangaroo.

What a time to be alive.

Anyway, click on pic below for link to Mail Online article:

 

ROYAL WEDDING DRINKING GAME

If you're anything like me (and if you are, sorry), you're going to need a stiff drink to get through watching the Royal Wedding with your family and/or friends.

Can't help but wonder what Hunter S. Thompson would have made of all this 

Can't help but wonder what Hunter S. Thompson would have made of all this

 

So here's some sweet, sweet drinking game rules to gradually numb you until it's time to turn the telly off and fire up the BBQ before a couple of months of blessed relief until she gets pregnant and the collective insanity starts again.

TAKE A DRINK WHEN:

Anyone brings up how much Diana would have loved to be there. As opposed to dying young in a car crash, presumably.

Your mildly racist auntie or mate from school says something disparaging about Meghan like 'You know, she's divorced' or 'well, I don't think she's that pretty'. Not pretty, Aunt Esme? F*cking LOOK AT HER!

Knock your drink if they then say something like 'but it's not because she's black' and then bite your tongue because your mam's giving you the 'remember what happened at Christmas dinner when you mentioned your mate Iqbal' look.

Some absolute jeb wearing a Union Jack suit or Britannia outfit says something that makes you want to cob your glass at the screen. 'I've been camping here since Kate had her baby!' Then you're a gibbering idiot and you probably stink, mate.

Your republican social justice warrior mate says something airy and smug like 'think how many nurses this could have paid for' or 'something something Daily Mail something vinyl something something vegan'.

One of your mates gives an audible, tabloid-style 'PHWOAR!' when they see a hot minor royal or Pippa or someone in a military uniform. Knock your drink if it's Camilla they're referring to.

Every time George or Charlotte do something cute. Yes, this one isn't as mean-spirited as the rest, but they're kids and actually quite adorable. Irritatingly.

Whenever Harry's military service is mentioned. Knock your drink if they bring up the fact that a British prince straight up killed people in a helicopter in Afghanistan. Which is pretty f*cking mad if you think about it.

Someone makes a joke about the fact that someone who once wore a Nazi outfit as a joke is now marrying a black woman. Again, f*cking mad.

Harry does a mildly amusing funny face or something and everyone laughs like he's the mutant offspring of Bill Hicks and Richard Pryor.

NOT TACKLING THE ISSUE Former France player Lilian Thuram calls Pele 'selfish' for not doing more to fight racism

This didn't get picked up, so thought I'd plonk it on here. 

Thuram.jpg

RETIRED French footballer Lilian Thuram has blasted Brazilian soccer legend Pele for not doing more to tackle racism.

The World Cup-winning defender, who made 142 appearances for France between 1994 and 2008, told Brazilian TV station Sportv that Pele was 'selfish' not to use his fame to fight prejudice.

Thuram, who also played for  Parma, Juventus and Barcelona, said: "The truth is that Pele never positioned himself, he never took a stand on the problem of racism in Brazil,.

“He is someone who could have pushed things forward.

"I do not know Pele, but I think it's necessary to overcome a certain selfishness.

“And it may be that Pele does not have that greatness of the soul, because, in fact, if you see the image he has in the world, I think he should have done more."

The 46-year-old added: “I remain convinced that in the end of his life, it's something he'll regret.”

Thuram launched an anti-racism education foundation in 2008 and has written several books on the subject.

Pele, 77, has not responded to Thuram's comments.

It is not the first time the former player, considered the greatest who ever lived, has been criticised for being too close to the establishment - including during the brutal military dictatorship that ruled the country from 1964 to 1985.

Pele, whose real name is Edson Arantes do Nascimento, also raised eyebrows in a 2015 interview when he said he feels racist incidents in football are blown out of proportion.

DRUNK-UN DICTATOR South Korean musician who visited North Korea says Kim Jong-un was knocking back booze at dinner

Kim.jpg

North Korea has long held a fascination for me and South Korean newspaper Chosun Ilbo provided an interesting glimpse into Kim Jong-un at play.

A South Korean musician who performed in Pyongyang claims North Korean dictator Kim Jong-un was drinking heavily at an official dinner.

Choi Tae-hwan, a member of singer Cho Yong-pil's band, said Kim was going from table to table pouring drinks for South Korean musicians after an historic performance in the North Korean capital earlier this week.

He told The Chosun Ilbo that Kim "frequently stressed the need for unity among the Korean people and drank quite a lot.”

He added: “He's a heavy drinker."

Kim reportedly spends millions on expensive alcohol and food – while impoverished North Koreans struggle to find enough to eat.

It was reported that the tyrant once claimed to have drunk 10 bottles of Bordeaux in one night.

The claim was made by Japanese chef Kenji Fujimoto, who claims that he was former North Korean leader Kim Jong-il's personal sushi chef from 1988 to 2001.

He visited North Korea in April 2016 and told South Korean TV network KBS that Kim appeared at dinner with six beautiful women and drank expensive Bordeaux wine.

Fujimoto added Kim boasted that he put away 10 bottles of Bordeaux in one sitting a few days earlier.

The dictator is also said to be a heavy smoker and a big fan of Swiss Emmental cheese.