Q&A: So, you want to play X-Wing?

Q: Oooh, are they Star Wars minis?

A: Yup.

Q: They’re cool

A: Shut up baby, I know it.

Q: What game is it?

A: X-Wing, an objective-based skirmish game based on starfighter combat in the Star Wars universe.

Q: Muy interesante! Is it any good?

A: I once asked the deity Zeus what the best tabletop game is, and they said X-Wing.

Q: Zeus? Really?

A: No, I was on peyote and hallucinating. It’s excellent though.

Q: What makes it so good?

A: It’s a fast-paced combination of dice, tactics, and anticipating your opponent’s moves. It’s easy to pick up yet has surprising depth and games often comes down to a thrilling last-minute victory. There are bombs, missiles, asteroids, force users, and sneaky scummy tricks. Plus, you can fly Boba Fett’s ship.

Q: Amazing, I love Boba Fett

A: Everyone loves Boba Fett, you chump.

Q: Rude. What are those cardboard discs?

A: Movement dials, a key part of what makes the game special. You set the ship’s dial each turn and, broadly, that dictates where it goes. Some ships are agile but fragile, some are slow and tanky, and some are in between. It means there’s a lot of variety and options in what you want to use.

Q: Wait, I heard this game was discontinued by the company that makes it?

A: It was, but a group of fans called the X-Wing Alliance, better known as the XWA, have taken it over and have continued to develop it with new ships, pilots, scenarios, and ensure it is balanced. They’ve done an amazing job, in my not-very-humble opinion, and the game is still impressively popular.

Q: Sold! How do I get involved?

A: Your best bet is to find a local group to guide you. The X-Wing Ready Room and Star Wars X-Wing UK and Ireland are excellent places to start. For the rules, start with the official rules and then hit the XWA website or the X-Wing Hub for handy introductions and community content. You can build your squad at Yet Another Squad Builder and print it off at Infinite Arenas. Also watch a few games on Youtube, particularly those from Sith Taker Tim, who is excellent at explaining what’s happening.

Q: Banging. How do I get ships?

A:  They’re out of production but can still be found on eBay and other retail sites.  Some models can be a little pricey as people snap them up as the game is still popular. However, cost-effective 3D printed ships can be used – I use Sabre Workshop and Mel Miniatures – and all the other components, including dials, can be printed at Infinite Arenas.

I sell painted 3D ships at my Etsy shop XwingbySamuel. Please go there and give me your money.

Again, local groups will provide you with ships and everything else needed to play at first to help you get a feel for the game before you invest.

Q: What else do I need?

A: Movement templates and tokens, which can be found in starter packs or bought online – Cog O Two has some great stuff.

Q: What’s the player community like?

A: Awesome. One of the many things that makes it a great game is the friendly and inclusive social scene. I’ve made some great friends, and you will too.

Q: That makes sense, you seem nice

A: *Giggles coquettishly*

Q: Can I play it casually?

A: Oh yes. The playing area is 3ft by 3ft so it’s kitchen table-friendly.

Q: Can I play competitively?

A: The tournament scene is vibrant, great fun, and covers the entire UK. Other countries also have healthy competitive calendars.

Q: Can I play with madness?

A: That’s an Iron Maiden song.

Q: Sorry, I just heard it on the radio. Will X-Wing make me more successful and a better lover?

A: Sure, why not?

Q: OK, I’ll see you in the debris-strewn starfields of the void

A: I look forward to it. Now go live your life, you beautiful mess.

Clouded, the future is part 2: Feedback of the Clones

The article I wrote about potential X-Wing releases had some lovely feedback with ship suggestions so I decided to write another article expanding on potential, if very unlikely, releases. Thanks to everyone who read it and commented. Let’s just dive in shall we?

Jedi Vector

Jedi Vector

I very much enjoyed the High Republic novels and the concept and comic art of the time period has given rise to. The Jedi Vector is the light agile fighter used by knights like Avar Criss in their battle against the pirate army of the Nihil and is derived from unused concept art from the sequels. It’s a simple and elegant design but the only faction it could conceivably fit into is the Republic – the High Republic is set 200 years before Episode 1 – but it’s role there is serviced by the Eta-2. Still, pilot potential abounds with the rich and diverse Jedi of the period.

T-85 X-Wing

T-85 X-Wing

Seen briefly in the Resistance cartoon, the T-85 is the New Republic’s next iteration of the chassis and reportedly has stealth technology. Does the game need yet another X-Wing? Not really. Does the Resistance need two variants of virtually the same ship? Not really. Is the design inspired? Not a bit. Sorry for being negative on this one, but I really do find it shrug-worthy.

Tie Dagger, part of the Sith Eternal or Final Order or whatever the hell they were

Tie Dagger

A nice, if slightly uninspired, design and considering how mysterious/undeveloped the Final Order was in RoS, the designers would have a clean slate when it comes to pilots. However, it shares the same problem as the X-85 in that the First Order definitely isn’t crying out for another interceptor with the Reaper, Tie/ba, and Whisper all on hand.

Night Buzzard

Night Buzzard

The Knights of Ren’s transport combines the FO aesthetic with a bit of Scum grime and I’d like to see that translated to a miniature. Be nice to have another medium or a standard list large base for FO and each of the Knights could be pilots as, again, their characters are a bit of a blank slate. Maybe it could carry deployable FO spacetroopers like the Gauntlet?

Eta-class shuttle

Eta-class shuttle

Baylan Skoll is an intriguing and nuanced villain (I’ve loved Ray Stevenson since the BBC’s Rome TV series) and the Eta-class is a fine-looking ship. Like the snubfighters seen in the pursuit of Ahsoka, Skoll could be joined by pilots like Marrok, Shin, and Morgan Elsbeth.

Multi-faction goodness abounds as the ship once served the Jedi Order, and who’s to say Plo Koon and his Jedi and clone buds never took the wheel?

Stinger Mantis. Fallen Order was a 7/10 game with a Star Wars skin. Yeah, I said it

Stinger Mantis

I think I may be prejudiced here as I thought the Fallen Order video game was wildly overrated, but this design doesn’t do it for me. It’s not bad but a bit meh. Opinions may differ, obviously. A medium base ship with a force-sensitive pilot could be fun. Factions: Rebels and Scum maybe?

Ark Angel II

Ark Angel II/IV

The YV-666 card may have scratched the Dr Aphra itch (and it’s such good fun to use), but does her actual ship deserve a release? Well, there are a few different ships with the title (The good doctor gets into a LOT of scrapes) so choice abounds. The Ark Angel II design is the most well-known and I’ve seen a few lovely painted up 3D print jobs, but for me the Ark Angel IV looks coolest. Maybe we could get 0-0-0 and BT-1 pilots? 

Ark Angel IV. Pretty cool, no?

SWEDISH HOUSE MAFIA? Crazy IKEA furniture conspiracy theory has internet in stitches

No pick-up on this fun little story, so decided to put it on here:

A bizarre conspiracy theory claiming IKEA display furniture is larger than the product customers buy has emerged online.

Internet crackpots claim the Swedish furniture giant tricks customers into buying slightly smaller flat-pack kits than those seen in stores – and then pockets cash from the material saved.

Twitter user @prophethusband wrote: “My dad just called from the car to tell me there’s a conspiracy theory at IKEA where the showroom furniture is bigger than the ones you buy. He said it’s just by an inch or so but it’s enough to make you feel crazy.”

Whatever it is, the way you tell your story online can make all the difference.

Whatever it is, the way you tell your story online can make all the difference.

A true believer responded: “You're making MILLIONS of 10 foot couches. Using 5% less material on each one wouldn’t benefit them? Basic business amigo”, while another added: “They absolutely would save millions on materials with how many pieces they produce.”

Naysayers pointed that the conspiracy can be blown wide open by using a tape measure – and that IKEA provides paper tape measures in-store.

But one sleuth pointed out: “Does that mean the free tape measurers they have there have also been tampered with?!?!”

IKEA workers also pooh-poohed the theory, with one stating: “As someone who works at IKEA…. we take things straight from the warehouse.”

A spokesperson for IKEA said: “As much as we’ve enjoyed watching the conversation play out, we can confirm that our showroom products are exactly the same dimensions as those on sale.”

Subway has also been targeted by angry size-conscious customers who claimed the sandwich chain was selling footlong subs that were actually shorter. In 2017 the US appeals court threw out a class-action settlement that Subway deceived customers by selling ‘footlong’ subs that were less than a foot long.


Game of Drones: How Dead Pixels gets gaming and fantasy fans so wrong

Channel 4’s gaming comedy Dead Pixels is back for a second series and is, so far, as unfunny and packed with outdated stereotypes as the first.

The sitcom follows a group of gamers as they navigate both their real lives and the digital world of Kingdom Scrolls, a World of Warcraft-style MMORPG.

The writers are presumably hoping to capture at least some of the monumental success of US nerd comedy goliath the Big Bang Theory, but fail to match even that slick-yet-mediocre level of comedy.

Do you find this picture inherently funny? You might be Dead Pixel’s target audience

Do you find this picture inherently funny? You might be Dead Pixel’s target audience

The core problem is the main characters, who conform to every lazy gamer stereotype there is. They are socially awkward, struggle with hygiene, eat poorly, don’t go outside, are opinionated and rude, neglect their loved ones, and are letting their lives pass them by for the sake of grinding and questing.

Grow up. Gaming is a huge industry enjoyed by a vast array of people. The neckbeards do exist of course, but why focus only on them?

I don’t play MMORPGs as I dislike the grind and time-intensive nature of them, but I am an unashamed fantasy and sci-fi loving tabletop and video gamer. The friends I have made through fandom have numerous interests and personality types, yet all we get in Dead Pixels are one-dimensional characters.

The lazy stereotyping could easily be forgiven if it was actually funny, but it’s not.

Dead Pixels expects us to laugh by simply presenting the world of MMORPGs to viewers. It wastes its premise by showing gaming tropes without insight or wit.

‘Look’, it says, ‘gamers are pervy about women who stream games!’. If you’re waiting for a punchline, that’s it. That’s the joke.

Similarly, an episode in series two sees one character develops a crack-like addiction to loot boxes and starts selling his property to fund his addiction. He tries to flog his ties and underwear to colleagues. What’s the pay-off? There isn’t one. That is the entirety of the gag.

Gamers eat poorly? Hilarious! Nerds have strong opinions on film casting? UH OH! They act as franchise gatekeepers? Nurse, my sides, the needle!

Actual gamers know all this and even non-gamers are dimly aware of these issues. Who is this even for?

The far-superior Channel 4 comedy The IT Crowd uses the premise of IT nerds as a launchpad – not the only joke. It also benefits from committing to surreal situations, while Dead Pixels lies in an unsatisfying hinterland of realism and goofiness, benefitting from neither.

The show aims for moments of pathos but they’re hampered by the sheer unlikability of the characters. There are scenes where main character Meg laments the wasted life opportunities her obsession has cost her, but she’s so superior, rude, and self-pitying you simply don’t care.

What I cannot fault are the cast. Alexa Davies as Meg and Will Merrick as Nicky are undoubtedly great comedy actors but are badly let down by the script. The only gags that do land are largely driven by their commitment. They deserve better.

As a gamer, I was looking forward to laughing at my own fandom thanks to Dead Pixels, but it is as depressing and unsatisfying as the lives of the characters it portrays.

 

Horrific attack

My story about the vile homophobic attack on Uruguyan airline attendant Melania Geymonat went wider than I ever could have expected.

Fox News

Fox News

Sun Online

Sun Online

Metro Online

Metro Online

Chris and I, 31th.jpeg

Here's what's wrong with that Forbes article about Michael Jackson documentary Leaving Neverland

At the end of January Forbes published an article prompted by the documentary Leaving Neverland that defenders of Michael Jackson have been circulating on social media as evidence of his innocence.

In it music writer Joe Vogel concludes: “My assessment is that the evidence simply does not point to Michael Jackson's guilt.”

The writer outlines circumstances that he believes indicate the singer’s innocence. Here’s an analysis of his main points:

Wade Robson. HBO

Wade Robson. HBO

Why has Wade Robson only come forward now?

The article starts by outlining how accuser Wade Robson, one of two men who claim to have been victims of child sex abuse by Jackson in the two-part documentary, paid a heartfelt tribute to Jackson when he died.

It also highlights how he testified on the star’s behalf in the 2005 trial – where Jackson was found innocent of all charges including four counts of molesting a minor –and how he enjoyed barbecues with Jackson and his children decades after his alleged abuse took place.

On the face of it, it does seem odd that Robson did these things, only to come out with the allegations years later. Robson says that after he married and had a son he suffered two nervous breakdowns that finally forced him to reveal the alleged abuse to a therapist and his family.

“It was just pain and disgust and anger of the idea of that or something like that or anything like that happening to my son,” he said.

The depressing truth is extreme repression and denial among victims of child sexual abuse is common. And the complex emotional attachments formed by manipulative child abusers – Robson speaks of his love for Jackson in the documentary – may also have factored into his actions, even into adulthood.

Ron Zonen, a prosecutor in the 2005 trial who has tried many sex-abuse cases, told Vanity Fair that for male victims testimony “has to be on their terms”.

“They finally decide to disclose when the pain becomes unbearable and it’s not going to get better until they talk to somebody and tell the truth about it.”

Lawsuits

The article brings up the unsuccessful $1.5 billion dollar civil lawsuit brought by Robson and co-accuser Jimmy Safechuck in 2013.

What it doesn’t mention is that it was dismissed because Robson had missed the 12-month statutory deadline after Jackson’s death. The judge did not rule on the credibility of the allegations.

A second claim against MJJ Productions and MJJ Ventures, two companies owned by Jackson, was dismissed because a judge ruled that as Jackson was the sole shareholder of the companies, no one else had the power to override his wishes. Again, the judge did not rule on the credibility of the allegations.

Legal proceedings that go unmentioned in the article is Jackson paying millions to the families of children he allegedly abused.

These include a $23m settlement to the family of Jordy Chandler, who claimed Jackson groomed and molested him.

Wade Robson and Michael Jackson

Wade Robson and Michael Jackson

The circumstances surrounding the settlement are far too complicated to go into here, but it is worth noting the boy was reportedly able to accurately describe marks on the underside of Jackson’s penis.

Following a strip search by cops, Jackson agreed to the massive settlement. The singer claimed he made the payment in order to move on with his life and it did not represent an admission of guilt. He later expressed regret about the decision.

To Kill A Mockingbird

Vogel writes: “It is no accident that one of Jackson’s favorite books (and movies) was To Kill a Mockingbird, a story about a black man—Tom Robinson—destroyed by false allegations.”

Jackson enjoying a book beloved by millions is no indication of guilt or innocence, whatever its subject matter.

No physical evidence

When Jackson’s homes were ransacked in two police raids in 2005, nothing incriminating was found, writes Vogel.

There is rarely physical evidence in cases of historical sex abuse.

Jackson’s defenders

The article states that “dozens of individuals who spent time with Jackson as kids continue to assert nothing sexual ever happened”.

It adds: “This includes hundreds of sick and terminally ill children such as Bela Farkas (for whom Jackson paid for a life-saving liver transplant) and Ryan White (whom Jackson befriended and supported in his final years battling AIDS).”

It also lists celebrity defenders like Macaulay Culkin, Sean Lennon, Emmanuel Lewis, Alfonso Ribeiro, and Corey Feldman, as well as Jackson’s nieces, nephews, and his own three children.

So, the fact that Michael Jackson didn’t molest these particular children is indicative of his innocence as a whole? And the fact his friends did not witness any abuse means its unlikely to have happened?

Paedophiles identify and carefully groom vulnerable victims they can coerce into silence and go to extreme lengths to hide their crimes from friends and family.

The donations highlighted are also irrelevant to the issue – Jimmy Savile raised millions for charities.

Public target

The article states: “As an eccentric, wealthy, African American man, Michael Jackson has always been a target for litigation.

“During the 1980s and 1990s, dozens of women falsely claimed he was the father of their children.

“He faced multiple lawsuits falsely claiming he plagiarized various songs. As recently as 2010, a woman named Billie Jean filed a frivolous $600 million paternity lawsuit against Jackson’s Estate.”

This is false equivalency. Jackson being the victim of frivolous litigation doesn’t mean all accusations against him are not credible.

Also, false sexual abuse allegations are incredibly rare.

Michael’s defenders (again)

The Forbes article concludes that none of the people who knew Jackson best believed he was a child molester.

This Vanity Fair article shows that statement to be simply incorrect. And there are at least two boys who arguably knew him better than anyone who believe he was.